Lost Smile

        For one to smile, it merely requires the muscles around our mouth to move a fraction of an inch and a maximum of one second. For one to smile, but also to feel underneath what is being expressed outside, requires time and effort far beyond what was mentioned - at least it had, for me. I was unknown to the world and the world to me; only after I had familiarized myself with reality did I realise, my h0pes had been too high, my dreams surreal. I did not believe that friendship could be so frail, so breakable, until her actions and words in addition with my greatest challenges: lack of confidence and vulnerability, destroyed our bond and plummetted me into a whirlpool of darkness. 


       I vaguely remember the start of our friendship, only vividly remembering I had wanted it to last. We were like two peas in a pod, always bound by each other's side, always happy. We seldom had quarrels; we worked together, played together, laughed with each other at the slightest things. Little did I know that under the laughter - she was unhappy, dissatisfied, which I as a friend had failed to realise. Truthfully, I did not know when it started, or why. Was our friendship not a promise? Then it dawned on me: was it because of jealousy? I began becoming adjusted to the hidden insults under her comments, her laughter gradually turning sarcastic, bitterness under those smiles. The emotional attacks I was given - I swallowed, I waited, I forgot. A brand new day meant a brand new start, but everytime my optimism returned I was again listening to words I did not want to hear. Sitting on my bed at night I would huddle my stuffed animals, pray, stare at my toes with a face lined with tears - desperately hoping for the good and memorable times of us together to come back. I waited for the wrenching sensation in my heart to end, but it never did. Her actions became apparent to me that our friendship was over. As we slowly drifted apart, further and further away from each other, all that was between us were space, broken promises, and a load of memories, some to keep, and others to be washed away eternally. Then the day came, where I walked away from her, her harrassment, our misery, closing the door from me to her and her to I, forever. 


       Despite my anger and disappointment towards her, I was even more so disgusted at myself. If only I had spoken up the very first time the unhappiness began, maybe our friendship would not have ended the way it did - in fact, it might not have ended at all. I had always been insecure, lacked confidence; it was not her who shattered me - it was myself. I did not explain my feelings to her and to those who misunderstood me. I failed to express what had hurt me - instead I stayed cowardly and silent and let myself to be pushed to a point of no return. I attempted to stand unwaveringly and simply not care, only to be suppressed by a desperation for a place to hide, a place without a need to conceal numbed throats or frozen eyes which would only stare at the floor. It was her who trampled over me - but it was I who let her do so, and because of this, I should be the one to take responsibility for the destruction of our relationship.


       Our separation gave me an opportunity to review her actions as well as mine. From this friendship, I learned the indescribable importance of honesty, confidence, confession and more importantly still, that to overcome problems with others, we should first free ourselves of our own fears - the biggest challenge. At times, I still think of her, and seeing children running down the street hand in hand reminds me of the once beautiful chapter of our lives in which we shared. I wondered once if God would mercifully rewind time and bring us back to square one, back to my cherished moments and to replace that smile we had both lost. I guess it will never happen, and that maybe, it is truly time to move on.